Paranoid!

Pernah kah kamu rasa macam risau or takut secara tiba2 tanpa sebab munasabah? Or maybe you have the feeling that you will die anytime soon?

To be honest, begitulah yang saya rasa sekarang ni. Even when I'm typing this pun saya rasa macam takut...takut yang this will be my last entry. Mau tidur pun susah sebab takut x bangun2 lagi. Kalau mandi pun kadang2 x concentrate sebab sibuk mau dengar bunyi apa yg sedang berkumandang di ruang tamu (any bunyi la, be it orang bercakap atau suara TV or watever). Kalau bunyi tu lain macam, mulalah nervous and x tentu arah..jantung berdebar macam mau tercabut. Depressed betul!

Actually benda ni jadi since Dr told me that my BP reading is not good. Terus perasaan pun sangat down sampai macam dapat death sentence. I feel like I can get a stroke or die anytime. I feel so dissapointed sebab saya berusaha keras jaga makan & ikut apa yg dr cakap. Tapi still BP tinggi. So kekecewaan berganda ganda! Walaupun dr bagi seminggu lagi untuk check, I can feel like next week pun the reading will still be high. Sigh~!

I know for a fact that I'm in denial right now. X mau terima keadaan yang berpenyakit ni. X mau makan ubat sebab kalau makan ubat rasa macam crippled. Pujuk2 hati..saya cakap 'it's okay, makan ubat lagi bagus daripada biar begitu saja. You don't wanna die young, do you? So suck it up and just accept lah if kena makan ubat' . Bila cakap begitu, ada relax sikit. Tapi still setan2 di kepala ni macam mengejek & terus menakutkan saya. Bila terasak oleh setan2 tu, stress balik! Ya lah, both sides of my family pun very famous dengan penyakit darah tinggi ni. And my baba died at young age of 36 (see, mcm mana saya x depressed, I'm 34 now and my BP sudah tinggi).

Terfikir juga maybe me being like this runs in the family. Memang ada sejarah pun...my aunty semua ada penyakit takut2 ni. Even my brother pun kena. Kalau ikut istilah kampung drg cakap ber'uri'. Kes diorang ada lain sikit la...sampai nangis2, pucat2, menggeletar and all. My case belum sampai tahap macam tu lagi la (for now). Or maybe because diorang ni penakut lebih sikit and me a bit hati batu so lain macam kejadiannya. Maybe lah. Only Allah SWT knows the truth.

Baiklah, stop dulu untuk kali ini. Sambung balik bila saya free.

Block Sana, Block Sini..

Soalan: Is the access to social networking (FB, Twitter, YM, MSN dan sebagainya) in your computer at your office being blocked? In my office they are. Bahabi betul!

Don't they know that we need those medium to bring our stress level down? Sudah la kerja yang berdepan dengan manusia (yang kadang2 mulut longkang & perangai macam babun), tempat meluahkan emosi dan menggembirakan hati yang lara pun di block accessnya.

Alasan: Ada orang yang main game during office hour. Hey, bukan semua lah! Kalau ya pun ada, pigi la block yang main game tu...kami yang x main game ni pun jadi mangsa. Jadah sungguh! If kami buka FB pun kerja siap, tiada pending task lagi tau!

Anyways, nasib baik otak saya bergerak lancar. Otherwise boleh mati kutu di office ni.

Sudahlah, mau sambung kerja dulu (nasib baik blogger.com x kena block. Boleh sambung meroyan disini)

I'm only 33, but...

My BP reading soared to the highest (as far as I know) at 150/100!

Gawd..I feel terrible! It's like I've been neglecting my health (apa tidaknya kalau makan main hentam saja. Asal boleh makan a.k.a halal, sumbat terus!). But I have to admit that I'm in shock when the reading came up sky rocket high.

Mula2 tu saya sakit belakang saja, yang sebelah kiri. Mengenyat punya sakit. Then salah tidur pula, sakit leher dowh!. So on Friday (06 Jan 2012) I went to the clinic to get some ointment or painkiller for the backache & neck pain. Sekaliiiiii...hamek kau, BP tinggi pula!

Dr said maybe because I'm in pain and had a sleepless night due to salah tidur + backache + stress = high blood. Terus kena prescribe medication for muscle pain & propranolol to control the blood pressure. And he gave me MC, instructing me to rest and de-stress until next appointment on Monday.

TAPI I can't rest much pun sebenarnya. My grandmas tidur di rumah until Sunday so tiada maknanya saya duduk berehat senang lenang di rumah. Harus activity penuh sepanjang weekend if my grandmas around..tapi itu kita cerita di lain waktu lah.

Come Monday, I went to the clinic dengan harapan my BP turun. Yep, memang turun TAPI still categorized as high (140/96). By right mau makan ubat dah but I opt for a safer way..x mau la on medication for the rest of my life...no no no!

Sooooo.... starting from last night, no rice for dinner (well, except for special occasions like wedding or similar - dr yang cakap aah). But I will start pelan2 la..x mau cut terus. Like last night, I only took 3 tablespoon of rice makan dengan less-salt chicken soup & tofu. Lepas tu makan biskut Mc Vities sekeping (breakfast adalah kuay teow with telur goreng, lunch - sepotong ayam kari, nasi with kuah kari, fried chicken wing & sayur kacang. 1 packet of oat krunch & 3 small bananas for snack). I expect myself to be hungry again at 10pm, but I don't (surprisingly...aikenotbilivit!) and I slept really well!

This morning pula I had fried noodle with fishcake, chicken rice for lunch, 3 keping Mc Vities + 3 biji small bananas for snack. And My BP went down again (137/84) today. That's a good sign! I plan to have only 1 mug of Quacker Oat for dinner and maybe some oat krunch if I'm feeling hungry later.

Honestly this time it really scared the shit out of me when the DR told me of the consequences if my BP reading did not fall back to normal line (120/80). With my family history of HBP & heart disease, I'm the perfect candidate to be the next victim. I almost cried but tahan2 sajalah. And this DR pun satu macam. When I said that I want to try the optional way (dieting) boleh2 pula dia cakap 'As we know ramai yang cakap begitu but just cakap lah'. OMG punya saya geram! Nevermind DR, I will try my best. I'm not dieting because mau kurus but I'm dieting for my health. I don't aim to be thin but to loose weight and stay healthy.

Anyway, looking at my 'dieting' history memang ada betulnya juga cakap DR tu. Saya ni memang selalunya buat halfway saja. However I do hope for my own sake that this time I can complete the challenge. I have an appointment book (for BP check up) to fill on daily basis as Dr is monitoring me so I want it to go down as much as possible. Please pray for my success in battling this health problem. I know for some of you this looks like a small problem but for me it is major. So sad...I'm only 33 (almost 34) and single (ahem!) so I don't wanna be on pill forever. Macam pathetic betul kalau terpaksa bergantung sama ubat.

Baiklah sampai sini dulu royanan kali ini. Kita sambung esok (or bila2 masa yang saya rasa mau menulis)

See ya next time!